god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
