LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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