Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
