I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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