oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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