i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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