mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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