Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
