Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
