Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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