hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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