my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
