I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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