i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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