so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
