If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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