I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
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