It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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