i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
