I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
