Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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