remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
