I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
