a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
