I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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