Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
