So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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