Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
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