You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
