My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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