Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
