I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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