i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
