You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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