morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
