Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
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If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
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I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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