I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He kissed a someone with a penis
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I want a musical about memes.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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