I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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