He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
