the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
