Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
