Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Randomize
