There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Just cropdusted the office
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
