i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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