Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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