I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
