You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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