i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
