Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
the liver wants what the liver wants
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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