my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
