i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
