I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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