So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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