So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
