my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
