she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
