I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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