totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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