I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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